so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize