I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
