I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
