I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
