So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
