If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
