Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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