I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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