I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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