Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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