God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
