If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
