life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
