You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
