Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
