I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
