i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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