I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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