I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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