i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize