how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
