I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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