I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
