Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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