I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
