I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
