dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
