i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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