Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
