Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
