He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
