you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So vagazzling was a success
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
