It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
But break dance skills will only take you so far
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
