I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
