If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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