I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
