He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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