you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i will never coherently bang her
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
