Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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