john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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