Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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