That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
