I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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