I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
