you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
