i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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