dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
