is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
BRING THE BAGELS
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
