I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
