You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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