My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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