I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
