she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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