Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize