So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize