My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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