i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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