im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
