I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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