We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
