Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
