can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
