I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
